And We’re Back.

It has been a while, to say the least.

Moment of honesty: I have had zero desire to write this Summer.

None.

Zip.

Squat.

Between moving from New York to Boston, then Boston to New York, I was beat. Now, I am back in Nashville, officially,  and feeling some solitude.

Thoughts are slowly popping into my head, ‘where will I work?’, ‘what city will I welcome into my life next?’, or in the possibilities of taking time off, ‘what road trip do I want to embark on?’.

Keeping lists on my computer, I’m trying my best to push those thoughts aside for now. If New York taught me anything it was opportunity constantly enters and leaves our lives

I’ll jot my ideas down, I’ll keep note of them on Trello (LIFESAVER tool if you are a list person in need of an online tool), but I’m trying not to glue my attention to what is not worthy of my attention at the moment. 

I say trying because that’s simply what it is, I am trying. Not always succeeding.

Publically, I hardly publish anything. Personally, the pages of my journals have filled as the emotions and processing my new reality.

This post, coffee inspired and thought driven, has no main point other than to share where I am at.

And a side note to my family – Thank you for continually supporting my ever changing ambitions and imaginative pursuits. Your faith and love for my well-being do not go unseen.

xo.

The PA Diaries: Fostering Humility

MAY 2ND, 2017 | Life takes a step ahead of us sometimes and decides to leave no time in our calendars for hobbies. Written on April 10th, this has been sitting in my drafts file for a few weeks. But alas, I rediscovered it, and its original purpose has now been fulfilled. 

APRIL 10TH, 2017 |I have 7 weeks left.

7 weeks until I leave for San Fransico to work on the festival. Until I move back to Tennessee. Until I leave the life I created here.

There are elements of life in New York I expected, changes I knew would come my way. This beckoning for what I thought I deserved. Then there is the realization, through insane circumstances for anyone living in this city. 

Life is not predictable to the point we are comfortable to admit.

Sometimes the amount of change going on in my head is too much. A sip of wine after eating coffee for breakfast and a salad for lunch – too much too soon.

I need humility. Neither a strength nor a fault of mine, it is a term I’ve come to know. Humbled by experience and graced with a community of thinkers & do-ers, I don’t see my situation any different than other aspiring production kids my age.

At the end of a day, we’re all kids running around on-site, putting together a string of musical acts, finding our sense of ownership in a craft we fell for.

The small act, small or large, reminds us, while we’re collecting our own successes. It’s personal. It is ours. So, stay humble.

A few successes from a year with myself.

  1. I fell further in love with love. The kind you don’t find in another person.
  2. I experienced loss of immediate family. It sucked.
  3. Friendship comes in all shapes and forms.
  4. Emptying out the filing cabinet and sorting through your shit thoughts leaves room for growth. Sort it out. Find a way.
  5. Furthermore, I need to stop planning so much.
  6. Adult life, or the little I have started to experience, is not a walk in the park.
  7. I’m not done here, there is more work to be done.

The 3 R’s

My weeks have been filled with routine lately; wake up, go to the gym, make breakfast, go to work, go home, do homework, go to bed.

On certain weekdays, I add a shift at my part-time job before work at Superfly.

My schedule is what it is. 

That’s what I tell myself.

In reality, a routine is my jam. I look forward to day-to-day rituals. Others, I’ve noticed, don’t see a positive power and potential they have, rather they see them as an inconvenience.

Who needs breakfast? That’s what protein bars on the go are for. Who needs a walk in the park after three meetings in a row? Fresh air isn’t my thing. What’s sleep? I have not gotten the bit of that since my last hangover.

The excuses go on and on. So does our inability to gain back control.

Three weeks ago, an iconic and influential woman left this earth to spend the rest of time with my Poppi. As somber as it is, change often makes way for possibilities. I found my change.

Recognition.

It’s about damn time some habits in my life take a hike. Going to bed earlier because no sleep is NOT better than more sleep. Laying back on the wine and picking up water instead. Finding the joy in working out to feel better not because there is something wrong with me.

Refusal. 

I love the word ‘yes’. Possibilities come from ‘yes.’

They also come from ‘no’.

What I am not a fan of, is being taken advantage of. I’m in a position currently, where yes if preferred, especially when your work ethic has been praised and people recognize strengths. It’s a pat on the back, but it’s a step up for the other person, and guess what, usually I’m the step.

I’m in this limbo with no plans for this summer. I’ve heard the word ‘no’ more than I’d like to admit lately.  This surprises people, especially after coming off of a year and a half of working, but the reality is, I don’t mind it all that much.

Revive.  

Breathing in, breathing out. Letting fresh air into my life where it was polluted before.

This is where that limbo I mentioned comes into play. Maybe it’s time I take a small break. Do I want to? Not really. I would much rather be working. But, there is knowledge to be gained working on myself, away from the distraction of day-to-day schedules.

What if all this time working leads to great achievement but, no fulfillment outside the office? What good could come of that? But, what greatness could come from time spent wandering without much of any plan?

My brain wants structure, but sometimes, the soul plays tricks on the brain, leaning toward uncertainty.

 

Photos [1] [2] [3] [4]

Brooklyn Update!

WOW, I have time to breathe finally, especially after a weekend of non-stop shows with my best friend Haley who flew in from Nashville for the holiday weekend.

A few things have happened since I last posted, and processing my thoughts and all the changes have taken longer than anticipated.

  1. I haven’t worked on a concert in over three weeks, it is safe to say I am having withdrawals.
  2. MY addiction to coffee is at an all time high and everything bagels really are everything. 
  3. Living in a dorm again with a large communal kitchen and limited budget means plenty of eggs & cinnamon raisin toast meals.
  4. The subway may quite possibly be the most intriguing place in all of New York City.
  5. Books are always necessary, everywhere you go. No matter. what. (More about that on #WorkWednesday.
  6. I have yet to Lena Dunham but my hopes are still high.

 

 

48

48 and counting.

The amount of times I’ve looked at myself in the mirror today.

48 and counting.

Last semester I let a monster take over my body, it consumed me in ways I never thought imaginable.

It forced me to look at my imperfections in the most disgusting way possible. Every morning it was the first thing I thought off. When my friends asked if I wanted to go out, my imperfections reminded me I wasn’t worthy. Not only did they remind me I wasn’t worthy of other’s time, they convinced me I wasn’t deserving of happiness.

If you’re not thinking, I’ll say it.

Imperfections suck.

I let my semester slip through my hands, refusing happiness, refusing love and refusing help.

My monster is my safe place because it knows my secrets. The ones that are covered in filth, despicable to even look at. My monster knows what I hide; it knows that if I keep to it I’m safe.

Tomorrow I’ll try to look in the mirror less. Maybe 40 times instead of 48. Maybe only 47 times. The less I look in the mirror, the more power I gain.

The more it loses and I win.